OKAY SO ALMOST 2 MONTHS AGO OUR ENGLISH TEACHER FORCED US TO ENTER A POETRY CONTEST AND I WAS ABOUT TO ENTER A POEM WHEN IT TRIED TO FORCE ME TO GIVE IT A TITLE SO IN A FIT OF RAGE I WROTE A NEW POEM COMPLAINING ABOUT THE TITLE REQUIREMENT
AND TODAY I WENT TO CHECK MY EMAIL AND I??????
YOU ARE LITERALLY PUBLISHING AN INSULT TO YOUR OWN RULES BUT OKAY I GUESS IF GETTING TALKED DOWN TO TURNS YOU ON SOMEHOW AND I GET PUBLISHED I’VE GOT NO COMPLAINTS HERE?
Help Our Turtle Friends!!!
NO NO NO NO
SO VERY WRONG
LISTEN ALL MY FELLOW FRIENDS: I’VE VOLUNTEERED AT THE NEW ENGLAND WILDLIFE CENTER, A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD TRAVEL TO INTERN AT, FOR MORE THAN YEAR AND THIS IS SO VERY WRONG
IN CASE YA’LL DIDN’T KNOW, TURTLE ARE CONNECTED TO THEIR SHELLS, AND PICKING THEM UP LIKE IS SHOWN IN THE PICTURE CAN SEVERELY DAMAGE THEIR SPINE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU JERK THEM AROUND
SO LET ME TELL YOU A THING
IF YOU SEE A TURTLE IN THE ROAD, STOP YOUR CAR FAR ENOUGH AWAY THAT THE TURTLE CAN STILL BE SEEN THROUGH YOUR WINDSHIELD.
IF YOU’RE ON A NON-BUSY ROAD AND/OR THE TURTLE ISN’T FLIPPED ON IT’S SHELL (WHICH BY THE WAY WHAT THE FUCK TURTLE DON’T ACTUALLY FALL ON THEIR BACKS LIKE THAT PRETTY MUCH EVER ESPECIALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD SO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THAT PICTURE) GET A STICK OR JUST USE YOUR FOOT TO GENTLY NUDGE THE TURTLE’S REAR IN THE DIRECTION IT’S GOING IN. THOSE FUCKERS ARE FAST WHEN THEY WANT TO BE.
IF PICKING UP THE TURTLE IS NECESSARY, APPROACH IT FROM THE SIDE, MAKE SURE IT SEES YOU, THEN GO AROUND THE BACK. ALL TURTLES HAVE JAWS LIKE THE VIRGIN ASSHOLE OF SATAN, EVEN IF IT’S NOT A SNAPPER, AND YOU DO NOT WANT THOSE CLAMPERS ON YOUR HAND OR ARM. BELIEVE ME.
PICK THAT SHELLED CUTENESS UP LIKE A HAMBURGER, ONE HAND ON EACH SIDE OF THE SHELL HALFWAY BETWEEN FRONT AND BACK LEGS, FINGERS ON THE BOTTOM SHELL, THUMBS ON THE TOP SHELL. KEEP THE TURTLE AS HORIZONTAL AS YOU CAN AS YOU CARRY IT TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.
DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT BRING THE TURTLE TO A “SAFE HABITAT.” DISPLACING ANY SPECIES OF WILDLIFE LOWERS THEIR CHANCE OF SURVIVAL DUE TO NOT KNOWING WHERE THE FUCK THEY ARE. MAKE SURE THE TURTLE IS SOMEWHERE AROUND TEN PACES AWAY FROM ANY KIND OF HUMAN CONTRAPTION, INCLUDING HOUSES AND SIDEWALKS, AND THEN LEAVE HIM TO HIS DEVICES. THEY’RE NOT STUPID, THEY’RE NOT GONNA TURN AROUND AND WALK RIGHT BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM.
THINGS TO REMEMBER:
-DON’T PICK UP BY THE TAIL. IT CAN BREAK THE SPINE.
-DON’T MOVE TO ANOTHER HABITAT.
-DON’T TAKE ‘EM HOME. THAT’S ACTUALLY ILLEGAL IN MOST STATES.
-DON’T PUT YOUR HANDS ANYWHERE NEAR THE MOUTH.
-BE WARY OF THEIR FEET, THEIR CLAWS CAN BE SHARP.
-WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER, REPTILES CAN CARRY SALMONELLA AND WHILE IT’S PRETTY MUCH IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTRACT IT UNLESS YOU SUCK ON THEIR CLOACA IT’S BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
-DON’T MOVE THE TURTLE TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD THEY JUST CAME FROM. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT. THEY WANT TO GO THE WAY THEY WERE GOING, GENIUS.
-IF THE TURTLE IS ON A HIGHWAY, IT’S PROBABLY BEST TO PICK THEM UP- AS DESCRIBED ABOVE- AND PUT THEM IN A BOX FOR TRANSPORT SINCE THEY’RE SQUIRMY LITTLE BITCHES.
-SNAPPERS ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS OTHER TURTLES, DON’T IGNORE THEM BECAUSE THEY LOOK LIKE DEMON CHILD OF A T-REX AND BOX TURTLE. NO MATTER HOW BUSY THE ROAD IS, THOUGH, THE RULE OF THUMB IS DON’T PICK THEM UP IF THEY’RE BIGGER THAN YOUR HEAD. STOP TRAFFIC AND NUDGE THEM ALONG. PEOPLE MAY BE PISSED AT YOU, BUT AT LEAST YOU’LL KEEP YOUR FINGERS.
WIELD YOUR NEW FOUND KNOWLEDGE FREQUENTLY, MY FELLOW TURTLE SAVIORS.
it is important that you read this shining example of wildlife safety literature all the way through to fully appreciate its radiance and learn the ways of turtle protection.
Now remember people, National Coming Out Day is on its way. If you “come out” on facebook as straight and/or cis, an ally, a brony, a fucking whovian, or anything other than a marginalized sexual orientation and/or gender identity, I will ram my boot so far up your ass you’ll be tasting Vans for weeks.
Back when I was younger and more ignorant and misinformed than I am now, one of my exes literally made me feel guilty sometimes when he got a boner and I didn’t want to “take care of him”. He claimed that it caused him a lot of pain and he said that his doctor had actually said he couldn’t leave himself in that state or else he could damage himself…. So made me feel like I HAD to give him relief even when I really did not desire to. And that sucked.
Wait… it DOESN’T hurt them?
Boys get boners all the time for no reason. No, it doesn’t hurt them. If any boy tries to tell you otherwise, run away as fast as you can because he’s lying to you for the sake of his penis.
No penis is more important than you because you are a whole person and a penis is just a spongy flab o’ flesh.
Hahaha deff not I get boners constantly.
Anything causes them
Favorite answer so far.
Dicks can seriously be ridiculous at times
Hell sometimes a brisk breeze can set them off
Reblogging this for all of the girls and guys that DO NOT KNOW THIS INFORMATION. Because this is extremely important.
The term ‘blue balls’ isn’t actually a fucking thing.
It was created by giant flopping douche canoes to con girls into rubbing their little dingadongs.
I literally get 10 boners a day and never get blue balls.
Next time someone tries to shame you into a handy, kick them in the balls and tell them “NOW YOU HAVE BLUE BALLS”
Also masturbation is a thing. If a guy ever whines about you not servicing him sexually like you’re a goddamn on call hooker, tell him to shut the fuck up and learn to love himself.